Find me, find me, heal me.

Four months have passed since I last blogged, and much has happened since then. My camera malfunctioned on the day of the Golden Jubilee, during my birthday month no less. I swear to you, I cried a lot that day – I finally got my camera back at the end of November. Also, I have finished my postgraduate course –  and of course, I am very sad about that also. Adding to that sadness, just two days after my final postgrad paper, my grandmother passed.

It has been two weeks already.

Emptiness doesn’t even come close to describing this feeling. Sure, I’d laugh and smile in the company of my cousins, my uncles and aunts, my nephews and niece, my family – but I can’t help but feel this void. A void that I desperately try to fill. I would find myself going into her room and look and touch things that used to be hers, I would stare at the chair she used to sit on, and I would imagine her being there. Even flowers remind me of her – oh, how she loved flowers.

Loved.

All that’s left now are things, and memories. Memories that I – we – will eventually forget. I can still remember holding her hand. The day after she passed I could still smell her, but now? As much as I hate to admit it, slowly, I am already beginning to forget. Things are so different now, too, and like it or not, it will continue to change.

Family traditions, celebrations: ever since my grandfather passed, she was be the glue that kept the family together. Now that she’s not here anymore, the house is so quiet. It’s so empty. So lonely. There is noone left to be strong for. And I, I am in such a dark place. I am so hollow. I cried, I did, but not as much as I feel I should. Have I lost the capacity to feel anything other than emptiness? Where is my sadness? Where is my grief?

Ah, I truly am so tired.

Until next time, hopefully in a better state.

-F.

Now that both of them are gone – and even if the memories continue to fade, I know that I will always carry pieces of them with me, I’ve got their blood running through my veins; no matter the weather, I am, and I will always be, their granddaughter.

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Hey, you’ll be fine, promise

Hey, you’ll be fine, promise

Two years ago, on February 9th, 2015, a twenty one year old girl fell in love. At first sight, he seemed like everything she ever wanted. Tall, dorky looking, she felt none other than butterflies.

They went to study abroad together for a few months. So yeah, she first met him at the airport. Fate, eh?

But love, oh, it crushes. Without mercy. Continue reading “Hey, you’ll be fine, promise”

I swallow my pride, Now I’m crawling back to You

Daughtry – Crawling Back To You

I have had this tab on for hours. So I might as well write something. I have been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of self-reflection yesterday, so here we go.

It has been a long day. Mentally. Woke up to sad news, the loss of someone who is not close, but dear. I only heard of her passing from Instagram, which was honestly very hurtful, but that is not what this post it for. That is a story for another day, maybe.

I first knew her a little over a year ago. As quoted by someone, she was one of the best to walk this earth. And I agree wholeheartedly. She was truly one of the beautiful ones. Yesterday, my social media feed was full of posts dedicated to her – she truly did touch the hearts of many. Her kindness, her smile, her words, all of it was genuine. She was truly unlike any other.

She was extraordinary. And Allah simply took back what is His.

Her passing away has reminded me of what’s to come. Death and the life after. Pulled me back to my senses.

Our time will come, too.

I may no longer be who I was a year ago. But here’s to trying again. In my own pace this time. Staying true to myself this time. Crawling, this time.

Rest well, beautiful soul.

– F.

O soul, when will you realise you are only a number of days