Find me, find me, heal me.

Four months have passed since I last blogged, and much has happened since then. My camera malfunctioned on the day of the Golden Jubilee, during my birthday month no less. I swear to you, I cried a lot that day – I finally got my camera back at the end of November. Also, I have finished my postgraduate course –  and of course, I am very sad about that also. Adding to that sadness, just two days after my final postgrad paper, my grandmother passed.

It has been two weeks already.

Emptiness doesn’t even come close to describing this feeling. Sure, I’d laugh and smile in the company of my cousins, my uncles and aunts, my nephews and niece, my family – but I can’t help but feel this void. A void that I desperately try to fill. I would find myself going into her room and look and touch things that used to be hers, I would stare at the chair she used to sit on, and I would imagine her being there. Even flowers remind me of her – oh, how she loved flowers.


All that’s left now are things, and memories. Memories that I – we – will eventually forget. I can still remember holding her hand. The day after she passed I could still smell her, but now? As much as I hate to admit it, slowly, I am already beginning to forget. Things are so different now, too, and like it or not, it will continue to change.

Family traditions, celebrations: ever since my grandfather passed, she was be the glue that kept the family together. Now that she’s not here anymore, the house is so quiet. It’s so empty. So lonely. There is noone left to be strong for. And I, I am in such a dark place. I am so hollow. I cried, I did, but not as much as I feel I should. Have I lost the capacity to feel anything other than emptiness? Where is my sadness? Where is my grief?

Ah, I truly am so tired.

Until next time, hopefully in a better state.


Now that both of them are gone – and even if the memories continue to fade, I know that I will always carry pieces of them with me, I’ve got their blood running through my veins; no matter the weather, I am, and I will always be, their granddaughter.


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