Find me, find me, heal me.

Four months have passed since I last blogged, and much has happened since then. My camera malfunctioned on the day of the Golden Jubilee, during my birthday month no less. I swear to you, I cried a lot that day – I finally got my camera back at the end of November. Also, I have finished my postgraduate course –  and of course, I am very sad about that also. Adding to that sadness, just two days after my final postgrad paper, my grandmother passed.

It has been two weeks already.

Emptiness doesn’t even come close to describing this feeling. Sure, I’d laugh and smile in the company of my cousins, my uncles and aunts, my nephews and niece, my family – but I can’t help but feel this void. A void that I desperately try to fill. I would find myself going into her room and look and touch things that used to be hers, I would stare at the chair she used to sit on, and I would imagine her being there. Even flowers remind me of her – oh, how she loved flowers.

Loved.

All that’s left now are things, and memories. Memories that I – we – will eventually forget. I can still remember holding her hand. The day after she passed I could still smell her, but now? As much as I hate to admit it, slowly, I am already beginning to forget. Things are so different now, too, and like it or not, it will continue to change.

Family traditions, celebrations: ever since my grandfather passed, she was be the glue that kept the family together. Now that she’s not here anymore, the house is so quiet. It’s so empty. So lonely. There is noone left to be strong for. And I, I am in such a dark place. I am so hollow. I cried, I did, but not as much as I feel I should. Have I lost the capacity to feel anything other than emptiness? Where is my sadness? Where is my grief?

Ah, I truly am so tired.

Until next time, hopefully in a better state.

-F.

Now that both of them are gone – and even if the memories continue to fade, I know that I will always carry pieces of them with me, I’ve got their blood running through my veins; no matter the weather, I am, and I will always be, their granddaughter.

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Breathe

Breathe

Am I going to let this month go by without blogging? No, I shouldn’t. So hi. I have been meaning to blog for awhile now, but these days I find it extra difficult to arrange my thoughts. I do think a lot though, that much hasn’t changed. I don’t know if overthinking is just in my nature or I am purposely trying to think myself sick but I feel sad, scared, worried, and all these feelings really tire me out.

Final semester is approaching, and I can assure you that I am not ready. Honestly though, I am even more unprepared for life after masters. The easier route will be continuing studies, but there are other priorities now. As my parents’ eldest child, it is time for me to provide. I can see that my parents are tired now. It’s about time for me to ease the burden they carry on their shoulders. It’s time for me, to move to the next stage of adulthood. And that, scares the crap out of me. Will I be able to give back and support my family?

Also given the current job market, and the economy of the country, the future seems scarier than ever. And I have got 4 months left to face that reality. Will I ever be ready though? But ready or not, I believe that with time, things will fall into place. I know that we’ll make it through any hardship. In due time. When God wills it be. Because God is good. God is fair. It will all be okay in the end. I need to constantly remind myself of that.

I just need to stop worrying so much.

Wish me luck for my final semester!

Until next time.

-F.

Hey, you’ll be fine, promise

Hey, you’ll be fine, promise

Two years ago, on February 9th, 2015, a twenty one year old girl fell in love. At first sight, he seemed like everything she ever wanted. Tall, dorky looking, she felt none other than butterflies.

They went to study abroad together for a few months. So yeah, she first met him at the airport. Fate, eh?

But love, oh, it crushes. Without mercy. Continue reading “Hey, you’ll be fine, promise”

I should be writing essays, not stories

I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, I’m ashamed. Inside and out, I am filled with self loathing. Overweight. Selfish. Greedy. I hate my reflection because I don’t like what I see. I see and aspire to be more like people around me, but that’s all there is. I keep beating myself up on the inside, dreaming of a perfection that is so out of reach. Thinking of ways to begin to better myself. I’m a disappointment, to everyone around me and myself. How does one change? How does one even begin to change? Does it begin with self-acceptance? Self-love? And how does one fall in love with themselves?

I have to go. Talk again later maybe.

-F.